Today was a really cool aha moment for me. It was manicure and pedicure day for my 84 year Grammy. My parents were there too. We all chipped in to assist her to get her home "summer ready". We were all outside ready to leave and here come the other 85 year old and 89 year Granny's to collect my Granny for their daily afternoon 1 mile walk!
There were 3 generations in the driveway. Me, my mother, and my Grammy. As I observed these amazing women and studied the wisdom and years of experiences in their faces I felt such a peace about growing old. They all seemed so happy just to be outside in the fresh air and so happy to be alive and at the same time; I sensed their own peace in their time to die. It felt as though they were so present and so okay with life.
I've been on such a search for my purpose on this earth for all of my life and today it just occurred to me that maybe I'm living my purpose in every moment and my need for my life to be BIG just isn't so necessary. Maybe it's just about giving my love to others and helping my Grammy when she needs help, and being there for family and friends when they need someone.
Today I was at peace with where I am in my life. I was at peace with what I've accomplished and lived through in my life. I felt at peace with growing older. I felt at peace just as I am.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Hi Friends;
So today started out to be SO depressing! For those of you who I do not know, I'm in a straight commission sales job... that I hate.. Ok. Hate's a strong word; I really hate it. Why you ask? Because it is not in alignment with my beliefs nor does it give me life. I sell chemicals and being the environmentally conscience person that I am; it bothers me. Not to mention I work and deal with men all day that have no fucking clue and are dead asleep conscientiously.
When I woke up and looked at my schedule I wanted to cry because I know in my heart this is not what I want to do for the rest of my life and if God put me on this earth to do just this, I would certainly feel jipped! So, what do we do when we hate our job but it provides us with insurance or pays our bills, or even provides us with the luxuries we could not have otherwise? We find another way in our time away from work to enjoy what we do and enjoy our lives.
As I went through my day I tried to do yoga and I hate to admit this but a suicidal thought ran through my head and it freaked me out. I kept telling myself, "This Too Shall Pass" and to keep moving forward until I came around the corner. There is always something good right around the corner. Unfortunately, we lose our loved ones and distance friends to suicide every day because they just couldn't wait until they turned the corner. They gave up before the turn and on the other side was a miracle!
I cannot be the only person on this planet, that the thought has crossed their mind. But what keeps me going is the sheer fear of the karma of that. I, nor do any of us have the right. It's the time to send an SOS and ask for help and not allow our pride and ego to overcome our desperate souls in that moment. We are all human and we ALL struggle at one point or another. And we ALL need help. Nobody gets through this life alone and at the very least, when shit hits the fan, that's the time to hit your knees and pray!
So, as I turned the corner about 1pm today, I got my first order from work. Then came a call for a casting for an eye commercial. (Then came my smile for the day :))Then came my 2nd order about 4pm. I had pushed through and kept moving the best I could and the miracle was right around the corner. So NEVER GIVE UP! The miracle around the corner could possibly be the miracle you've been waiting for all your life and it might be as simple as receiving the call you needed or the hug you needed from a friend.
The moral of the story for the day. Ask for help, pray, and keep moving until you turn the corner!
So today started out to be SO depressing! For those of you who I do not know, I'm in a straight commission sales job... that I hate.. Ok. Hate's a strong word; I really hate it. Why you ask? Because it is not in alignment with my beliefs nor does it give me life. I sell chemicals and being the environmentally conscience person that I am; it bothers me. Not to mention I work and deal with men all day that have no fucking clue and are dead asleep conscientiously.
When I woke up and looked at my schedule I wanted to cry because I know in my heart this is not what I want to do for the rest of my life and if God put me on this earth to do just this, I would certainly feel jipped! So, what do we do when we hate our job but it provides us with insurance or pays our bills, or even provides us with the luxuries we could not have otherwise? We find another way in our time away from work to enjoy what we do and enjoy our lives.
As I went through my day I tried to do yoga and I hate to admit this but a suicidal thought ran through my head and it freaked me out. I kept telling myself, "This Too Shall Pass" and to keep moving forward until I came around the corner. There is always something good right around the corner. Unfortunately, we lose our loved ones and distance friends to suicide every day because they just couldn't wait until they turned the corner. They gave up before the turn and on the other side was a miracle!
I cannot be the only person on this planet, that the thought has crossed their mind. But what keeps me going is the sheer fear of the karma of that. I, nor do any of us have the right. It's the time to send an SOS and ask for help and not allow our pride and ego to overcome our desperate souls in that moment. We are all human and we ALL struggle at one point or another. And we ALL need help. Nobody gets through this life alone and at the very least, when shit hits the fan, that's the time to hit your knees and pray!
So, as I turned the corner about 1pm today, I got my first order from work. Then came a call for a casting for an eye commercial. (Then came my smile for the day :))Then came my 2nd order about 4pm. I had pushed through and kept moving the best I could and the miracle was right around the corner. So NEVER GIVE UP! The miracle around the corner could possibly be the miracle you've been waiting for all your life and it might be as simple as receiving the call you needed or the hug you needed from a friend.
The moral of the story for the day. Ask for help, pray, and keep moving until you turn the corner!
Monday, April 30, 2012
So, things have been a bit rough financially for about 6 months now. I just recently had to get into my "piggy bank" which is a large Yukon Coffee Can; obviously so that I can take the lid off and steal the quarters out of it for car wash and meter money.
I humbly took it into the credit union and as I was walking in there I was thinking, "Another humbling experience" but it's also been worse so I wasn't too mortified. I dropped all my change into the change machine thinking I had saved about $200.00. I got my receipt along with a canadian penny it had spit out only to discover that I had saved $43.06. I humbly took my money and left the Credit Union. And then I had a flashback; it was 2002 and I was not in a good place. In fact I had gotten wrapped up into Cocaine and was trying to hold a job down hoping nobody would notice my spinning out of control. So, my even more humbling experience was when I took my piggy bank into the Credit Union which by the way; was a sandwich ziplock bag so I've upgraded my piggy bank so that's a positive, right? I'm walking in so embarrassed that I'm hiding the bag to cling onto my dignity; and the bag breaks and loose change is everywhere! Now if you can imagine me on my hands and knees picking up pennies and then 2 people came up to find me scraping the cement for the only gas money I had at the time; got on their hands and knees to help me. Not THAT was humbling and one of my many "rock bottoms". So when I thought about that experience I realized that things have been worse in my life and that I know I can weather this storm and get through this.
I humbly took it into the credit union and as I was walking in there I was thinking, "Another humbling experience" but it's also been worse so I wasn't too mortified. I dropped all my change into the change machine thinking I had saved about $200.00. I got my receipt along with a canadian penny it had spit out only to discover that I had saved $43.06. I humbly took my money and left the Credit Union. And then I had a flashback; it was 2002 and I was not in a good place. In fact I had gotten wrapped up into Cocaine and was trying to hold a job down hoping nobody would notice my spinning out of control. So, my even more humbling experience was when I took my piggy bank into the Credit Union which by the way; was a sandwich ziplock bag so I've upgraded my piggy bank so that's a positive, right? I'm walking in so embarrassed that I'm hiding the bag to cling onto my dignity; and the bag breaks and loose change is everywhere! Now if you can imagine me on my hands and knees picking up pennies and then 2 people came up to find me scraping the cement for the only gas money I had at the time; got on their hands and knees to help me. Not THAT was humbling and one of my many "rock bottoms". So when I thought about that experience I realized that things have been worse in my life and that I know I can weather this storm and get through this.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
I intended on writing a book about this experience, but for now I'm blogging. For the past 3 years I've suffered with what I call "restless soul syndrome" and I felt like I needed a change, to plant my roots, something. I am turning 40 this year and I don't have kids; it made me wonder why I was still in Utah. It felt like everything I was trying to create was being held back and it made me wonder if just maybe I wasn't supposed to do it in Utah.
I was hell bent on walking through my fear in my life. I've lived in such fear that I've missed out on many things for fear of people making fun of me, falling, failing, etc. I just couldn't live like that anymore; maybe this is why I flew to the other end of the earth because when things get hard or uncomfortable, I can't just run home. It forces me to walk through it and actually "be" with it. They say that when you are comfortable your not growing. This journey has been ongoing discomfort in one way or another and continues to be.
I am very fortunate to be able to walk this path and be here but I certainly did not choose the easy way. It continues to try to bend and break me at times, but I guess that's just life for all of us. My dear friend puts things into perspective by reminding me that the journey separates the strong from the weak, the successes from the failures. Hearing that from her makes me want to keep going when I feel like giving up.
I ventured out to google and starting looking at nanny jobs in Italy, families I could stay with in Peru, as I wanted to brush up on my Spanish and get myself fluent. I think God knew I was about to do something crazy so he put a friend from Jr. High in my path that lived in Australia; someone that could at least look after me and show me the ropes.
I was supposed to be here in September but had a few things come into my path... Men... It seems as though this is my year to have many dark energies enter my life and try to take me off my path; it worked! I just love that God has a sense of humor but sometimes it's hard to laugh it off.
My original flight was September 5th, 2009; I finally landed in Brisbane Airport on November 29th, 2009. My "spiritual walkabout" had begun. Little did I realize that coming to another country would be like being 2 years old again.. I had no phone, I couldnt drive; not only do they drive on the other side of the car here and the other side of the road; and did I forget to mention? I had no clue where I was going! Me being a very independent person and wanting everything to happen NOW, this was a very frusterating process for me.
I got to baby step in learning to drive, first to the petrol station; which is the gas station to us in the US, then to the shop, which is the grocery store for us. I almost had my first head on collision 2 days into driving but I was only going 10 mph so it wasnt terrible but it certainly freaked out the lady in front of me; she had that petrified deer in the headlight look!
There are roundabouts all over here in Australia and I got to learn how to count again.. Exit 1,2, or 3; your constantly merging and it's quite the adventure trying to follow someone, merge, and not lose them. I've literally been exhaused after driving to the city and back; it's crazy the little things we take for granted.
I thought this would be such a zen experience for me; not the case really. I have literally had trouble just "being" since I got here. The curiousity and uncertainty of my future literally has had me in the future!
It amazes me how naive I was and still am about this end of the world. They really don't educate Americans outside of America; which brings me to pinch myself again because I forget how far from home I am, then actually realize where I am!
I was hell bent on walking through my fear in my life. I've lived in such fear that I've missed out on many things for fear of people making fun of me, falling, failing, etc. I just couldn't live like that anymore; maybe this is why I flew to the other end of the earth because when things get hard or uncomfortable, I can't just run home. It forces me to walk through it and actually "be" with it. They say that when you are comfortable your not growing. This journey has been ongoing discomfort in one way or another and continues to be.
I am very fortunate to be able to walk this path and be here but I certainly did not choose the easy way. It continues to try to bend and break me at times, but I guess that's just life for all of us. My dear friend puts things into perspective by reminding me that the journey separates the strong from the weak, the successes from the failures. Hearing that from her makes me want to keep going when I feel like giving up.
I ventured out to google and starting looking at nanny jobs in Italy, families I could stay with in Peru, as I wanted to brush up on my Spanish and get myself fluent. I think God knew I was about to do something crazy so he put a friend from Jr. High in my path that lived in Australia; someone that could at least look after me and show me the ropes.
I was supposed to be here in September but had a few things come into my path... Men... It seems as though this is my year to have many dark energies enter my life and try to take me off my path; it worked! I just love that God has a sense of humor but sometimes it's hard to laugh it off.
My original flight was September 5th, 2009; I finally landed in Brisbane Airport on November 29th, 2009. My "spiritual walkabout" had begun. Little did I realize that coming to another country would be like being 2 years old again.. I had no phone, I couldnt drive; not only do they drive on the other side of the car here and the other side of the road; and did I forget to mention? I had no clue where I was going! Me being a very independent person and wanting everything to happen NOW, this was a very frusterating process for me.
I got to baby step in learning to drive, first to the petrol station; which is the gas station to us in the US, then to the shop, which is the grocery store for us. I almost had my first head on collision 2 days into driving but I was only going 10 mph so it wasnt terrible but it certainly freaked out the lady in front of me; she had that petrified deer in the headlight look!
There are roundabouts all over here in Australia and I got to learn how to count again.. Exit 1,2, or 3; your constantly merging and it's quite the adventure trying to follow someone, merge, and not lose them. I've literally been exhaused after driving to the city and back; it's crazy the little things we take for granted.
I thought this would be such a zen experience for me; not the case really. I have literally had trouble just "being" since I got here. The curiousity and uncertainty of my future literally has had me in the future!
It amazes me how naive I was and still am about this end of the world. They really don't educate Americans outside of America; which brings me to pinch myself again because I forget how far from home I am, then actually realize where I am!
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